My Mental Health Journey
Here's what someone struggling with mental health can look like:
Let's start where I started to spiral hard. That would be 6th grade.
Wide-eyed Miranda started her middle school experience pretty rough. Someone I trusted started a text thread spreading horrific rumors about me. I long story short, I was being painted as a girl who was looking for physical relationships when I was terrified of having a normal relationship with a guy.
I did not go to school for a week to escape the torture of being ostracized and losing more friends daily. At the time, I was unaware how to stand up for myself, so I bottled up my emotions--which would not be a good idea. There were several days where I would collapse to the floor when I got home from school and lay there for 10-15 minutes. I suffered in silence. I did not want to say anything to my family, since I was terrified of what would happen if I spoke to them about this situation. If I could go back, I would say something--anything. They could have helped me. One day I started to write a note apologizing and stating that I could not continue. Luckily, images of my maternal grandmother flashed before my eyes. I knew that this would kill her, so as painful as it was to pick myself back up, I continued to keep fighting.
I was still secluded from all my peers for the rest of the year, but I found solace in reading and becoming invested with fictional worlds so I could escape. My mother during this time was working to get me moved to the other middle school in my district, which would be the best thing to happen to my mental health.
I finally was open about what happened during this horrific time in my sophomore year in high school. I will never forget seeing my mother break down because she felt that she wasn't attentive enough. At first, I felt that it was a mistake for even telling her, but ultimately, I knew that this needed to be stated.
In high school, I still had the habit of comparing myself to others. I found imperfections with my skin and teeth (one of my biggest insecurities due to being made fun of before I had my braces). It was my senior year of high school that I started to have the mindset of others wanting my presence and that helped me severely. Then the pandemic hit.
I lost out on activities that classes before and after me got to experience. I resented that fact. It got to the point where I lashed out several times to my older sister because she got the senior year I never did. I was looking forward to my senior showcase for my choir class--where the seniors are highlighted and it was a show that I had been looking forward to since my freshman year. I desperately wanted my senior prom and then of course graduation. I never got the traditional version of those. I also became secluded from friends again. My mind spiraled to my 6th grade self again. I was frightened about not having anyone again.
There was someone though who helped me through this rough time. He had listened to me and offered phone calls countless times. Someone who was understanding of my deep-seeded fear--losing people in my life. This person would become my boyfriend, and lead to my next huge crisis.
I had placed my entire soul into this person. I dropped everything whenever he needed something from me. I went through hell at one point when he told me one day that he was being very cryptic about messages he sent me, after I saw him earlier and things were fine. I will never forget walking with my mother and crying my heart out being so freaked about how vague he was being. It was out of character for him.
Then came the day that my whole world crashed down on me. I saw a side of him that scared me to death. He had tried to take advantage of me. I did not see the person who I fell in love with and trusted. I saw someone that saw me as just another girl to use. When I had told my parents about what had happened, I was a wreck. I felt so guilty about what had happened. The blame was placed on me by his family, and it was suffocating. It got to the point where I believed it. That evening, I mind was telling me that if I was out of the equation, his life would be much better. Thankfully I did not do anything rash.
Later, I was told that everything that we had been through since 8th grade (when I met him) meant nothing to him. I was there just for him to feel better about himself. My entire world caved in. Here was someone that I fell hard for saying I was nothing. My mental state was a mess, and would be as I deconstructed every time I saw him.
A month later, I would start my journey to healing by finding dance again. This was a way for me to convey my thoughts if my words failed me. Dance helped me find pageantry, which would allow me to discover my voice again. Through my job, personal experience with dance, and the Miss America Organization, I can say that I feel that I am myself again.
Now...does this mean that I am free from mental struggles? No.
I now know how to cope with negative thoughts in a healthier way. That is dance for me. I can find a song that resonates with me, and let my body move to convey my thoughts.
I know that this is a deep post, but I want you all to know that while it may seem that I have my life together, I do not. I am human and will struggle just like you. My mission with Dance to Survive is to help people find their outlet to alleviate the pain that life comes with.
I want you to think about this though. Someone once told me that life is like a boxing match. Life is the heavy hitter, and you are the opponent. It is a guarantee that life will knock you down and at times out cold. It is up to you though to decide to get back up and keep fighting or to lay down and give up.
Take it from me, it is much more rewarding to get back up. You'll be able to look at what you have overcome and say that you did that.
TLDR; I am not perfect and struggle with mental health as the next person. It is up to you to decide what to do and handle these situations. Life is hard, but you are tougher than what is plaguing you.
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